Divorce has become a common occurrence in the society today, and many individuals who take the extreme step of divorcing appear to have lost sight of the values and the vows that are associated with the institution of marriage. Many parents with growing children at home opt for divorce without realizing the damaging effects their one-time decision may have on the lives of their children. Even though divorce may be a relief to both the partners in marriage who find no further meaning in living together, it definitely is a life-transforming experience to their innocent children. For instance, after a divorce, the childhood, adolescence and even adulthood would be entirely different for the children at home. A marriage relationship stems out of a real commitment on the part of a man and a woman to come together and share their life to each other for the rest of their lives and to care for their progenies, the real blessings of marriage. Hence, a decision on the part of a husband or wife, or both to call off the marriage amounts to breaking their holy vow and denying the blessings or their children. In other words, more often parents take marriage and divorce lightly forgetting the negative impact divorce may have upon the lives of their children who miss for good the very security they have been feeling living together with their parents. Nonetheless, some critics continue to argue that divorce is the best option for children who are living with parents who constantly abuse each other and indulge in violence in their homes. They strengthen their argument by citing the possibility that children who experience violent episodes at home are likely to exhibit a behavior pattern that is inspired by violence and abuse with peers and teachers at school. Despite the arguments surrounding divorce, parents must be cognizant of the various factors associated with divorce that affect the growth and well-being of their progenies and find positive ways to help them to cope up with their separation from their families. This paper will seek to answer the following research question: How does divorce impact on the lives of children and in turn shape their lives as adults?
The highly sacred and special commitment a man and woman take when they unite as partners in marriage gets naturally affirmed when they bear children out of the union. This means, by nature the children belong to both the partners and it is against the decree of nature, let alone any law, to break the marriage relationship. Conversely, failure of a marriage makes the children orphans according to the law of nature. Studies have shown that family structures do matter a lot and children tend to fare well when brought up by both their biological parents (Amato, 2012). Divorce occurs when parents become legally separated because of unresolved issues between them. Other prominent reasons for divorce include personal choices and a feeling that the partners do no longer hold the strong emotional ties that brought them together as man and wife in the first place. Sadly, when a couple break their marriage in a court of law through a divorce, the children who have come into the world through their faithful union literally get deserted because the eternal commitment that was responsible for their very coming into the world gets nullified through an annulment in a religious or legal court. The real truth is that divorce can never be a solution for a family problem once two persons are brought together under the binding contract of the law or their religion. On the other hand, it is the joint responsibility of both the parents to come together and sort out the issues that drive them towards breaking their marriage. Therefore, instead of breaking away both the parents should be able to work through their challenges and stop criticizing or abusing each other. Negative behaviors on the part of either of the parents arising out of selfish needs to find happiness without any compromise or sacrifice as defined by their holy matrimony would create chaos in the lives of their children. The truth is that since children did not ask to be brought into the world divorce that denies them the opportunity of being brought up securely under the care of a mother and father serves as a cruel punishment for no mistake of theirs. As a result, the complete trajectory of a child’s life gets profoundly altered by the diverse experience.
The negative effects of divorce are greater in children even as they grow into adulthood. Kelsey Block and Sophie Spiegel argue that “a new stage of development that is on the forefront of psychological research is emerging adulthood” (Block & Spiegel, 2013). These adults have been the victims of divorce and are more likely to face the challenge of ending their own marriages in future in divorce as well. The authors also point out that “the divorce process which may have negative impacts throughout emerging adulthood” stems from the alienation that the child may experience or the strategies their parents use to alienate the child from the other parent (Block & Spiegel, 2013). These children also reportedly continued to believe that their own alienation as a result of their parents’ divorce were entirely their fault. No wonder, they believed they deserved whatever was done to them. They were also convinced that they did not deserve the love of their parents. When such children grow into adults they would not find any reason to give love to others since they did not receive love ever in the first place to pass it on to others. Barker and Ben – Ami (2011), who studied children whose parents separated before they reached age 15 and experienced diverse alienation strategies of their parents’, report that such children exhibited low self-esteem, poor interpersonal relationships, decreased self-reliance and mental depression when they became adults. Adults who grow up with a poor self esteem and anxiety initiated by lack of love are bound to engage in anti social activities when they grow up. They are also least likely to get good employment opportunities since they do not pursue any higher education that in turn increases their insecurity and makes their adult life miserable.
In contrast, Cleghorn assesses the short term effects of divorce on children and finds that after decades of increase in the rates of divorce, the American society has finally begun to accept the truth that children in divorced homes are more likely to become unhappy in the short term (Cleghorn 2016). The author further emphasizes that children in divorced homes are likely to become aggressive towards others as they are not able to express their true feelings towards their parents (Cleghorn, 2016). In fact, at an earlier age, children are quite immature to understand why their parents prefer a divorce. As a result, their frustration gradually transforms into various behavioral issues ranging from aggressiveness to destructive activities. These challenges in the short-term can lead to poor academic and social performances, and the absence of one parent often results in significant changes to the parental supervision.
After a divorce, most parents have to find employment opportunities to support their families and this leads to situations wherein the biological parent is not available at home. In essence, the change in authority also adds to the children becoming unruly and aggressive towards everyone they come across. Parents in single parent families are compelled to work harder to fulfill the financial needs of their children as they now assume the dual role of an economic provider as well as caregiver. The task can be really challenging as it means taking additional responsibilities on the part of the biological parent who is left with the child. As a result, many divorced single parents move forward and find other relationships to get emotional supports that may impinge on their abilities to provide for the children from their previous marriages.
Jann Gumbiner offers an educated explanation to the psychological impact of divorce on children. The author argues in response to an article on “Intelligent Divorce” and the impact on children. Gumbiner further suggests that each case of divorce has a tremendous negative effect on children (Gumbiner 2011). As a psychologist, the author makes informed arguments while attempting to assess the arguments that divorce can be classified as an intelligent move for parents who are unhappy in their relationship (Gumbiner, 2011). For the most part, divorce will have a negative psychological impact on children as it causes academic challenges for the children who believe that performing poorly on an examination will serve as a negative discourse to academic performance. Children who wish to enforce their views on the divorce tend to take the blame for the divorce as they may believe that their parents have separated because of something that they have done.
While many writers have looked at the short-term effects of divorce in the lives of children, Hughes addresses the negative impact the process has on children as they attempt to go about their normal daily lives. Most importantly, the author addresses the issues based on the arguments that there are a number of psychological reports that address the impact of divorce on children who show immediate and long term effects on their attitude and behavior in general (Hughes, 2011). Hughes’ arguments arise from studies that have been carried out by researchers whose articles appeared in the Journal of Psychology in 2011. Hughes also specially pinpoints that children of divorced parents have a higher likelihood of divorcing in future.
According to Hughes, divorce has a more significant impact on the lives of young women as these women often develop the concept that divorce is the ideal option when they face the challenges of marriage in their later lives (Hughes, 2011). In addition, the studies of researchers in Finland comments on the common assertion that men are least likely to be impacted by divorce in their early and later years (Hughes, 2011). But, arguably, divorce will have an equal impact on both the males and females (Cleghorn, 2016). Hughes also reiterates the point that divorce will undoubtedly have an impact on all the male children sitting in the classrooms (Hughes, 2011). Arguably the effects of divorce are widespread and each child will respond to divorce in different ways.
One may argue that divorce may have a positive effect on children who are in abusive families as the victim is often likely to behave in a negative manner with their children. While this argument is true in some respects, divorce is likely to have a serious impact on the children who may often appear to be happy in spite of the divorce. The happy children may in due course become resistant to changes as they are forced to reside with the parent who is abusive. Hetherington et al postulates that this behavior may become common in the long-term as divorce may have a more adverse effect on children in the long-term (Hetherington, 1985). The fact is that children in divorces will undoubtedly be affected by it through the economic challenges or the social and psychological challenges in their present and future lives.
In conclusion, divorce is likely to have several adverse impacts on the children who may become withdrawn or violent as a result of their displeasure. More often, children in divorce take the blame on themselves and believe that the divorce of their parents’ has to do something with them. However, in future when such children grow into adults this self-blame affects their self-esteem and the way they behave with others. Problems related to their behavior and attitude would not allow them to pursue higher education; instead, they end up as dropouts. Lack of education also makes them difficult to get jobs in future and this gradually leads them to involve in antisocial activities. Therefore, parents who are in troubled marriages should commit themselves to resolve issues and act in the best interests of their children to sustain the marriage relationship, forgetting which their children are more likely to suffer the negative effects of their divorce.
References
Amato, P.R. (2012). The well-being of children with gay and lesbian parents. Journal of Social Science and Research, 41: 771-774
Baker, A. J. L., & Ben-Ami, N. (2011). To turn a child against a parent is to turn a child against
himself: The direct and indirect effects of exposure to parental alienation strategies on self-esteem and well-being. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 52(7), 472-489.
Block, K., & Spiegel, (2013) The Impact of Parental Divorce on Emerging Adults’ Self-Esteem,
Cleghorn, J., (2016) How Divorce Effects Children, Kitchens New Cleghorn, LLC, Retrieved
Gumbiner, J, (2011) Divorce Hurts Children, Even Grown Ones, Retrieved from
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-teenage-mind/201110/divorce-hurts-children-even-grown-ones
Hetherington, M., Cox, M., & Cox. R., (1985) Long-Term Effects of Divorce and Remarriage on
the Adjustment of Children, Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry, 24, 5:518–530
Hughes, R. (2011) The Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Young Adult’s Intimate Relationships,
The Huffington Post, Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-hughes/the-longterm-effects-of-d_b_1027162.html
