Leila had mixed feelings about this divorce. On the one hand, she barely had to say something against Ryan as a husband and a father of her two children. As a husband, he has always been affectionate and attentive, supportive and understanding. When, just after their first baby was born, she decided to give up her promising academic career, he accepted her choice. When after several years of housewife boredom she faintly started a conversation about getting back to work, he was ready to back her up.
"The first thing he did was to look for a nanny", she smiled to her thought.
As a father, Ryan was amazing. The children adored him. It was easy to tell that their father adored them as well. He was always there for them, he never forgot their birthdays, he readily took over the daily childcare chores when she was ill or simply tired. He was perfect.
But on the other hand, she was fed up Wait. Fed up with what? She could think of no reproach, no grudge against Ryan – only some vague feeling of unease that was growing more and more powerful and was pushing her towards divorce more and more violently. Maybe she was bad at maintaining this "work-life balance", maybe she simply envied Ryan his miraculous ability to maintain it and to build an amazing career at the same time.
"I am a good mother and a good teacher", she said to herself, trying to chase those ridiculous thoughts away. But she knew that "good" was not enough for her. Ryan was not "good" at everything he did, he was "excellent". She did not want to own up to it, but it was that bad thing that was nagging her all along. Maybe it was silly, but something was not right. Something was not perfect.
Maybe she was in a deep state of denial, trying to substitute something else for her envy. It was something that went along with her every thought about her husband. Was it jealosy? His staying at work late several times a week, some female scent mixed up with his cologne, and wine on his breath from time to time. But he was so good that she felt remorse for even thinking that he was cheating on her. He did not seem to lose interest in her as a woman, he was careful and affectionate. She dismissed thoughts about his cheating as silly.
Leila got a ticket for the nearest and fastest train she could find. Still, it seemed to her that the train went too slowly and the time passed too slowly.
"Why on Earth did I think that I would get home by train slower than by car? "- she thought. "I shouldn't have left my car behind".
The voice of reason told her that she had made the right decision: the journey takes five hours by car, but four hours by the fast train. At least the arrival time on the ticket said so. But deep in her heart she new that she simply was not up to a five-hour drive. The conference got her tired. All those talks, all those presentations, all those chit-chats with her colleagues and fellow researchers were pointless and empty because her thoughts were really busy by one thing – her divorce.
A couple of days before leaving for the conference, they had a huge row. Now she could not say what got into her, but the painful pangs of remorse were telling her that she was the reason of their break-up – the break-up of a perfect marriage. She really lost her temper because of some trifle – enough to file for a divorce. And now she is rushing back from a very important conference to tell her husband that she loves him, that she just lost her temper, that she does not mean to divorce him.
"Did he move out?", she wondered.
No, he did not. He was too good a father to show their children that something was not right between mommy and daddy. And it does not really matter that they stopped being "mommy" and "daddy" and became just "mom" and "dad" at least five years ago. Ryan is perfect. He could not simply ask his mother to step in and move out to start their separation. So she was going home and she was hoping to arrive in time to make a nice family dinner. She was hoping to meet him from work and smile and radiantly as she could, so that he would understand at the same moment that that damned divorce was a joke
Leila unlocked and gently pushed the door to their house. The familiar smell of his cologne let her know that he had not moved out. The fatigue of the last several days kicked in, so she locked the door, took of her shoes and reached the couch in the living room. She was home alone. "Ryan must be at work, children are wandering somewhere" - these mundane thoughts were lulling her to sleep, but she fought it.
Despite the fatigue, Leila found the stength to get up. That day was a special occasion, and decent people don't sleep on special occasions, especially with their muddy road-trip business suit on. She decided that she would cook a nice dinner, and then, after the dinner, have a special talk with Ryan. Apologize, explain, make up and make out. She changed into a comfortable dress and went to the kitchen. The fridge was full of food, not that she expected the opposite with Ryan in charge.
The sound of the key in the lock made her jump. "Home early?", she wondered and took a look at the clock on the kitchen wall: three o'clock. The key turned twice. Leila made her way into the living-room. The door opened.
Leila was expecting Ryan – and there he was. But she certainly was not expecting the woman with whom he was making out while entering their family nest.
Leila could not believe her eyes. She stood numb as if struck by lightning. A couple of painful moments have passed before Ryan realized that he and his date were not alone. He let go of the woman and looked sheepishly at his wife.
"Oh, honey, hey You're home early".
That was the moment when she made her mind.
