The obsession or focus of parents on their child is called Narcissus and is often linked to their own emotional problems. Narcissus parents support the “wonderfulness” of their children and encourage their talents, justifying it with their love for them and future sacrifices. In fact, it is exactly the opposite. The so-called care of such parents in fact results in a very high pressure, while the love that, in their opinion, they give the kids, that emotional hunger, devastates the child. Too often we use our child to compensate any restrictions or the lack of our own achievements. When we do not feel satisfaction from our own life, we overly identify ourselves with children.
In order not to be “selfish”, we in a selfish way lose vision and focus all our dreams and desires on our children. Some parents describe this feeling as some kind of ‘hunger’. They do understand that are not able to live without their children to be perfect, no less.
The hunger like this is called narcissistic, and the feeling of hunger is called narcissistic anxiety. It arises from the fact that the parent experiences anxiety, addressed to the most valuable object, which they have - to their child and hugged him for the sake of calming his hunger. Later on, to the arms could be added grooming of appearance, the admiration appearance, intelligence, and many more. However, as soon as any external disturbances cause the parent’s increase of anxiety and cause famine, narcissistic parents perceive it as "the hugs with the child are wrong in some way", "child’s appearance is not beautiful enough", "the lack of the parent’s love". Feelings and needs of the child fall under the pressure of the parent’s emotional hunger, and the little man "turns" himself into a toy, which must exist as his/her parents see it.
Methods
After becoming parents, we can break this chain, seeing our child as a separate identity and encouraging his or her talents. We can accept children with those traits that they have and support them in the way they are. For example, instead of saying, “You painted a delightful picture! You are a true artist!” we could say: “I like the colors in your picture. It is evident that you drew in order to have a bit of pleasure of your work.” Think about the effect of your words and actions on the identity of the child. Whether you want him/her to grow, to work hard for their achievements, or give up, realizing that he/she is not the best? (Firestone, 2013)
Results
Growing up, this person often still feels responsible for the feelings of other (especially loved ones) people. A child growing up in a family where most of the attention for the needs of the parent system, to the detriment of the child, becomes a man, only reacting to outside influences and reflecting them. Instead act based on their feelings, the child is watching, what you expect from him or what they need, then responds to these expectations. The child's reaction to these perceived expectations can either be positive or negative: the child will choose to meet, explicitly or implicitly express his need or rebel against it - in any case this action would be a form of reaction, not initiative.
In a healthy family personal space and the right of privacy are respected and encouraged: parents do not enter bedrooms or bathrooms without knocking, they do not listen to telephone conversations, read e-mail and do not allow themselves to violate children’s personal space. There is a clear distance, there are clear rules governing what family members can expect from each other.
Loving and prudent parents must recognize the fact that the growing up child needs to live his own life, choose clothes, future profession, friends, and a life partner. Even if something from this list does not look very promising.
References
Firestone, L. (2013) The Dangers of Narcissistic Parents. Psychology Today. Retrieved 24 April 2016, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201304/the-dangers-narcissistic-parents
