The filter theory best explains my own perception of the mate selection process. According to Bullough and Bullough (1994), the filter theory takes into account the developmental nature of intimate relationship. It is hypothesized in the theory that people who are looking for a mate usually engage in an initial screening to look for similarity involving different variables like cultures, values and compatibility. This is true considering that there are vast choices of people that one can meet and become a potential mate, it is necessary to narrow down the choices available to ensure finding the most ideal mate according to one’s personal preferences. The filter process in mate selection will allow us to identify several potential mates while we narrow down the option to a one single mate.
An example of the application of the filter theory is one who exercises preference to have a mate with the same religion as his, for instance. The potential conflicts in religious beliefs and tradition can set a barrier for the couple to share a smooth relationship. Therefore one already sets his or her mind to prefer someone belonging to the same church where he belongs and whom he can share his spiritual growth and maturity with. Incompatibility in religion with a mate cannot help in accomplishing this goal.
The filtering process involves homogamy, also termed as endogamy, which allows one to choose a mate based on similar characteristics as to age, religion, ethnicity, physical appearance, social class, personality and values (Benokraitis, 2011). These variables of filtering is very common in traditional dating where one chooses someone to date based on the above mentioned variables and then the couple proceeds to open up their inner qualities to each other and start to look for their similar qualities such their values, attitudes, personality traits, and beliefs. The existence of compatibility eliminates the barrier of conflicts and disagreement thereby helping the relationship to survive (Sigelman and Rider, 2015). This concept of compatibility is related to homogamy which pertains to the similarities of the couple to each other. It is very common to find people looking for a mate who shares similar traits and characteristics like the ones they posses rather than look for the difference.
Although it is a popular adage that opposite attracts, this to my own point of view is applicable only to short term relationships. Individuals who are looking for a long term relationship is likely to want someone whom they can build a good relationship that is free from conflicting differences. The concept of homogamy in this respect does not necessarily mean that the couple has to be completely similar to each other. It only refers to shared compatibilities that can tone down the differences where conflicts and disagreements may potentially arise and strain the relationship over time.
The filter theory does provides that individuals already have a pre-conceived ideas on what type of future mate they want to have and to look for. Thus, the filter process is one involving cognitive filtering of the available pool of eligibles that one already knows he or she wants to have as a mate. Howe (2012) describes the filter theory as sifting through people to find one's soul mate. Thus, people usually do not consider everyone to be a potential mate, but rather they already have imposed criteria or characteristics to look for from a mate that will help them meet each other's needs. I find this ideal because in reality people always search for a mate who can meet their every need and will likely share the same views about life that they will share together with compatibility and in peace and not in differences and conflicts.
Relationship involves the concept of being connected. That is why when people are looking for a mate they are likely to prefer someone whom they feel compatible and comfortable. For a healthy relationship to exist, there are important ingredients that are needed to maintain it in the long term. Commitment is one ingreditent that is necessary for the longevity of a relationship. It involves the conscious decision to uphold one’s promises to his or her mate. If one pledges loyalty, for instance, it is important to be committed in doing so. A committed relationship goes beyond the verbalization of one’s promises and brings a higher esteem to the relationship between mates (McGruder, 2014) that bring them closer together in maintaining a long term relationship.
Trust also matters in a healthy relationship. One cannot expect the relationship to last long if one cannot trust his mate. In the absence of trust, the feeling of betrayal can surface and the relationship becomes unhealthy and one will be full of doubts and uncertainties about his mate. Because relationship is about being connected, trust can make one feel secure about his mate which makes the relationship healthy and strong. Trust gives your mate the assurance of being loved and the feeling of being safe.
Respect is an important ingredient in relation health. Respect flows from the admiration of one’s mate and honoring the person’s value as a person. In the presence of respect, one can avoid intimate violence. It also involves giving your mate the freedom to be himself and express his own values and beliefs without your interference and control. It also allows couples to overcome their differences. When there are respect, trust and commitment, the relationship becomes healthy and love flows freely between partners.
References:
Benokraitis, N.V. (2011). Marriages & Families Changes, Choices and Constraints. 7th Ed. D. Musslewhite Ed. New York: Pearson.
Bullough, V.L. and Bullough, B. (1994). Human Sexuality: An Encyclopedia. New York: Garland Publishing.
Howe, T.R. (2012). Marriages and Families in the 21st Century: A Bioecological Approach. West Sussex: John Wiley & Sons.
McGruder, J.A. (2014). The Four Cs for Building Healthy Relationships. New York: Xlibris Corporation.
Sigelman, C.K. and Rider, E.A. (2015). Life-Span Human Development. Australia: Cengage Learning.
