Nicholas Wolterstorff’s staggering book Lament for a Son is an incredibly harrowing, poignant and touching account of the way in which Wolterstorff recovered from the agonizing loss of his 25-year-old son in a climbing accident. Utilizing a Christian perspective, and moving through the five stages of grief, Wolterstorff manages to find a measure of joy after his loss, also shedding light on the ways Christianity can illuminate new perspectives on death and resurrection.
According to the Kubler-Ross model of grief, there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In Lament for a Son, Wolterstorff encounters each of these stages of grief in unique and fascinating ways that are no less illuminating for his fealty to his Christian faith. First is denial, in which Wolterstorff is confused and hesitant to realize that his son Eric has died. This comes quickly, and he progresses through that stage comparatively quickly: “For three seconds I felt the peace of resignation: arms extended, limp son in hand, peacefully offering him to someone – Someone. Then the pain – cold burning pain” (Wolterstorff 1987, p. 9). However, he still finds himself thinking that Eric is still alive, occasionally searching for him in a crowd at a ballgame, and a palpable absence is felt by him.
Next comes anger, something he explicitly levies toward God at specific moments of rage and confusion. At one point, he likens Eric’s death to the death of C.S. Lewis, and admits that “I am not angry but baffled and hurt. My wound is an unanswered question” (Wolterstorff 1987. P. 68). Bargaining and depression are also felt by Wolterstorff, as the grief of Eric’s death makes him less able to enjoy the simple things in life: “the zest is gone. The passion is cooled, the striving quieted, the longing stilled” (p. 51).
One of the ways in which Wolterstorff finds joy after his loss is to accept his son’s death and to work his way around the loss. This is a fundamental component of healing after the loss of a child; the remaining family members must learn to “live around the gap that formed amongst them” (Gudmundsdottir & Chesla, 2006). As pointed out in John 16:7, “But very truly I tell you, it is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you.” Wolterstorff takes this perspective to heart, believing that Eric’s death is a necessary and valuable loss, as it allows them all to become stronger people and to find joy in different places. He also stresses the need to remember him and not treat Eric’s death as a complete and total loss, an invalidation of his life and an erasure of his time on Earth: “If Eric’s life was a gift, surely then we are to resist amnesia, to renounce oblivion.” (Wolterstorff 1987, p. 28). One of these ways is through altruism and focusing their love onto their fellow man: “Jesus said that inasmuch as we show love to such a one, we show love to him” (Wolterstorff 1987, pp. 82). In this way, Wolterstorff learns to live with his regrets and cultivate a greater understanding of the suffering of the world by cultivating God’s love and expressing it to others.
Viewing death through a Christian lens, it is easy to see how Wolterstorff found the kind of grace he was able to achieve in mourning his son. According to Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn” – Wolterstorff exemplifies this perspective and wholly embraces it. Denying the cultural idea that men do not cry or display emotion, Wolterstorff understands that the grief and terror at the loss of a loved one is nothing to be ashamed of, and is in fact encouraged within the Christian faith. Death for Christians is but a temporary parting between two people – a sort of spiritual layover as the other party waits to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, where they will be reunited. Not that this dulls the pain, but one of the things that Wolterstorff finds comforting about the nature of death in Christianity is his faith that he will be able to talk to Eric again.
Another way in which Christianity helps to comfort Wolterstorff is in its discussion of the hope of the resurrection. In many ways, Wolterstorff applies this to the unique ways in which we mourn the specific people in our lives, saying that Death is not the equalizer people claim it to be: “Death is a great leveler, so our writers have always told us. Of course they are right. But they have neglected to mention the uniqueness of each death—and the solitude of suffering which accompanies that uniqueness. We say, ‘I know how you are feeling.’ But we don’t” (Wolterstorff 1987, p. 25). Wolterstorff acknowledges that his grief for Eric’s death cannot possibly be matched by anyone else’s, nor can he grieve for someone else’s son in the same way. He gains a measure of solace in that, learning to value the feelings that he is experiencing and acknowledging them as individual to him.
Wolterstorff’s uniquely Christian take on grief and loss is inspirational when viewed through the context of Lament for a Son. Instead of hiding his feelings or denying his own experience, Wolterstorff instead finds value in his journey through the five stages of grief: “Grief is existential testimony to the worth of the one loved. That worth abides” (Wolterstorff 1987, p. 5). He also takes comfort in his belief that Jesus loves those who mourn, and that Eric will be waiting for him in Heaven when he arrives there. By remembering who Eric was as a person, and telling the world about it, Wolterstorff finds a way to allow Eric to continue living even on this earth, while also honoring his place in the Kingdom of Heaven and bolstering his own Christian faith.
References
The Bible. New International Version.
Gudmundsdottir, M., & Chesla, C. A. (2006). Building a New World Habits and Practices of
Healing Following the Death of a Child. Journal of Family Nursing, 12(2), 143-164.
Wolterstorff, N. (1987). Lament for a son. William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company.
