20th of April 2016
Barbara de Angelis “Secrets about Men every Woman should know”
"There is nothing secret, which will not become known" - this old adage comes to mind when you become acquainted with the original and colorful book of famous American psychologist Barbara De Angelis. It is unlikely that the readers have ever held a manual on "How to handle a man”, such a mysterious and incomprehensible creature from another planet. At least, in such a way the author characterizes the stronger sex. Moreover, we must admit, not without reason. There is hardly a woman, even with the extensive experience of married life, who would take the liberty to say that she thoroughly understands the intricacies of male psychology and physiology.
"Two different poles", "two opposing systems," "two worlds" – you must agree that these words we can still hear everywhere. However, the relationship of a man and a woman is like a forest where we quite often come up against something that makes us break a sweat in order to settle everything smoothly (Angelis, 1991). Barbara de Angelis writes about this in one of her books on the relationships of the opposite sex. In a broad sense, it is a problem of misunderstanding, the issue of physical and psychological human loneliness, a loss, according to Saint-Exupery, of the greatest luxury – the luxury of human communication. The author, however, focuses on a narrower and, in our opinion, more interesting aspect – on the relationship between men and women, these truly different worlds are placed in a common space of human existence.
This book is about how to make a woman be happy and love, and shows her intimate relations to light and harmony. Yes, we are talking about an ordinary human happiness, found not in the "dark abyss" and not "in a furious ocean," but in simple, ordinary life (Angelis, 1991). We cannot classify the book by Barbara De Angelis as ordinary. With determination and the tact of a surgeon, this woman invades the mysterious and contradictory inner world of man, opens his psychological and physiological characteristics, and is not afraid to tell her readers about the most intimate features of his personality (Angelis, 1991). At the same time, she demonstrates a solid personal and professional experience of a psychologist allowing the reader to honorably withdraw from many embarrassing situations (Angelis, 1991).
Of course, many of her revelations may seem to the reader, and especially female reader, too bold, and sometimes shocking. However, it should be borne in mind that the desire to call a spade a spade and to talk openly about the forbidden is not the result of the corruption of the writer or her intention to shock the "honorable public" (Angelis, 1991). It is a characteristic feature of American mentality, which the people of this country manifest in almost all spheres of life of society. Moreover, maybe it is a very open and clear way of thinking and engenders the same modus operandi, a way of life that led this nation to internal peace and prosperity.
However, this book is not distinguished only by frankness. The style of the author is inherent an unusual imagery and irony. The man for di Angelis is a "Lonely Hunter," and "a retired soldier," and an "alien". This strange creature carries a lot of
secrets and mysteries, which the author generously opens to the entire female population for studying (Angelis, 1991). Subjecting a comprehensive analysis of the nature of the stronger sex itself, the author is eventually forced to admit: "It’s a myth that men are selfish" (Angelis, 1991).
Men and women each have their own attitude to many things, life situations, to the different issues and problems. A well-known fact is that men focus on what is in the center, but do not notice what is around it, and the women see things both in the center and nearby. Men do not understand hint, they need women to speak directly and clearly, they like specifics. Women, on the contrary, like to communicate with hints in conversation "beating around the bush." Women think that their partners should have guessed what they want. A man asking the question: "if everything is OK," and hearing the woman reply "yes" (despite the intonation), decides that it is so.
We do not even try to understand each other, we are afraid to stay calm and find out a way for our relationship to flourish, to understand mutual claims. It is easier to come close up and let the partner wonder, why we behave in such a way. We think only about our own grievances and do not try to understand the actions of another person, look at the situation from their point of view. However, we forget that in this situation both are affected. It is difficult to take the first step, admit guilt, to lend a helping hand. We are all so proud, inaccessible, and think it is better to destroy the relationship rather than give in. Perhaps, this is one of the reasons why so many people remain lonely.
When we begin to build our relations, we must at once realize whether we are ready to accept the person for who he is, and not try to change the person in the future. This is the way most women think. However, they also fail. This is the key to harmonious relations. The fear that we do not meet a better partner forces us to do so. Women out of fear of being alone, quickly try to get married to a man who is more or less in line with their views. Love passes quickly, even if ever was, and the woman is horrified to realize that she had chosen the wrong partner, but continues to live on with him (especially if she already has children) and torments herself and her partner. Money, material interest, and dependence causes people to build such a relationship. A woman sells her body, and a man buys it. This is also prostitution, but only veiled up and legitimized through marriage.
This is a description of the woman fearing of being alone. She has a husband and is considered "married" in this case. This fear is inherent in women since historical times. If you are not married by 25 then you are already useless. This fear is passed down through generations, by a grandmother do granddaughter, even bringing up their daughters or granddaughters, albeit unconsciously, the women are trying to convince them that the main thing for a woman is to marry well. What it means to be really loved and happy, they cannot tell, because they themselves do not know what it is.
Everything that surrounds us - all the songs, movies, novels, stories, short stories, news - all of them are about unrequited love, of separation, of pain, of betrayal. We do attract the pain and emptiness, when we allow ourselves to listen to these songs, watch these films, read novels, news, etc. Our minds are filled with negative stories starting to believe that there is no true love and no happy people in life.
You can find a common set of rules (though rules presuppose submission) or manual to build family relationships. However, it will be common phrases and words, where all relationships are based on the adopted criteria and where both partners follow it. Though, in each pair, and in each case they are individual. Most important is to accept your partner for who he/she is, accept the individuality and not hope that in the future you will remake the personality to meet all of your needs. In the matters of true love, your heart will tell you how to choose. Notice that it is not reason and logic, but the heart. When the relationship is just beginning, almost every woman begins to feel the fear of losing the man she has just met. This is the worst mistake, the utmost mistake they make. Why? Because this fear drives them to rash and sometimes very silly and ridiculous actions, which they most often regret. It is important to keep in mind the wishes and desires of your partner. If he / she does not want to go anywhere, just give a little freedom, and if not, why to cling on to the empty and alien relations. The faster they flow, the smaller will be the frustration and you will have more time to build a new relationship that will perfectly suit you.
Reference
Angelis, B. (1991). Secrets about men every woman should know. New York, N.Y: Bantam Doubleday Dell Pub.
